A Mother's Sorrow

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:13-16, NIV).

I contemplated and prayed about writing this for about 3 weeks. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to, because I’m afraid the words won’t come out right. I’ll give it a try though because I’m sure some of you have been in my shoes and know how it feels.

First of all, this is not meant to make anyone feel bad or feel sorry for me, just to shed some light on something that isn’t talked about much.

Miscarriage….

That word alone makes me sad. It might not be a big deal to someone who doesn’t believe that life begins at conception, but I fully believe that God’s Word is very clear on that. A pregnancy is not just a piece of tissue or a ball of cells, it is a human life. A life that is so precious, that Jesus knows exactly what it will look like, the color of it’s eyes, the personality that he/she will have. The Lord has “knit” each and every baby together and loves each baby fully and completely, whether there are abnormalities or not. To Him, a life is NOT less valuable just because there are deformities or the quality of life may not be what some deem as “valuable” or “normal”. All are precious in His sight, so therefore, we, as Christians, should feel the same way. A child is a gift from God!

Randy and I lost our first baby almost a year after we were married. I found out I was pregnant on June 7^th, 2004. We were so excited! I took a test while Randy was at work, so when he came home, I put little baby socks in a path to the guest room where I sat waiting for him with the tests. We cried, laughed, and planned. We talked about what the baby would look like, the kind of personality he/she would have, and much more. Words cannot express the sheer joy of knowing that a little life was growing inside of me and that we were going to meet him/her in 8 ½ months.

We kept our secret, even during Father’s Day, because we wanted to wait to tell Randy’s family right before we left for IL on vacation to see my family (where we would tell them too). Unfortunately, that time never came. 2 ½ weeks after finding out about the pregnancy, I started having a terrible backache, which turned into spotting and cramps as well. We hoped and prayed for the best…actually we wept and cried out for God to protect our little baby. On the night of June 23^rd, I passed the baby. I was beyond devastated. An emptiness like I cannot describe, encompassed me.. I can still picture myself in the bathroom crying and yelling that this can’t be happening. It was unlike anything else I’d ever experienced. Yet in the midst of my devastation, I felt the arms of Jesus holding me tightly. I felt Him help me out of bed, when I just wanted to stay there forever. I felt Him “carry” me when I felt like I couldn’t walk into the ultrasound room and wait for them to tell me the baby was gone. That day was June 24^th, 4 years ago. It still hurts to this day.

The rest of the miscarriage was beyond painful, both emotionally and physically. I’ve since had 2 deliveries and the pain was similar. It was like being in labor, only not as painful physically, but with every contraction/cramp, it was like my heart broke more and more. There was no baby to hold when it was over. No cheeks to kiss. No hair to caress. No toes to touch. No pictures to take. There was Nothing….just emptiness. We decided to name the baby, Riley. That is how we refer to him, to this day. I felt that the baby was a boy, and although I have nothing to go on, that is what we refer to the baby as...A boy named Riley, who is perfect in Heaven.

After the miscarriage, we told friends and family and the word got out quickly. We received lots of support and prayers, all of which we are so grateful for. But along with that came words that pierced our hearts. Words that I’m sure were not meant to cause pain, but they did.

I encourage you that if you talk with someone about their loss, please don’t tell them that it was:

“God’s Will” -We know that God is in control, but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t allowed to be mad or hurt.

“Maybe the baby had problems and you’re saved from that pain” – We realize that, but it doesn’t change how much we loved that baby and how much we wanted it.

“God was just protecting you from a baby that might have abnormalities”- While that might be true (nor might not be true), we would’ve loved this baby regardless and it doesn’t change that we would’ve given anything to love it for all of his/her life.

“Don’t worry, you can have more children”- That might be true, but we are not guaranteed that and at this point we don’t care, we’re just morning the loss of this baby.

I probably stepped on some toes, but I honestly didn’t mean to. Trust me, I had NO idea what someone was going through that lost a baby, before I lost my own. There is no doubt in my mind that those words were said to bring comfort and not hurt and I hold nothing against those people, at all. I just wished that someone would’ve told them that no words need to be said at all. A simple, “I’m praying for you” is more than we could ever ask for. Those 4 words and hugs brought more comfort than anything else that was said to us during this time. Also, one quote that I remember so clearly was from our pastor’s wife. She had also experienced a loss at 4 months and she said to me, “Jenn, just remember that God is big enough to handle you being mad at Him. He understands.” I’ll never forget those words. The anger didn’t last for long, but it was nice to know that our God is a God of mercy and He knows what it’s like to lose a child.

Randy and I think about Kaelin and Reece and see the unique characteristics they have and long to know what our other baby would’ve been like. We think about all the smiles, hugs, and laughter that we miss out on. We miss him, even though We’ve never met him. There is a place in our hearts just for him and although we know we’ll see him again in Heaven, we still wish he was here right now.

If you have some extra time and tears, check out this website. You will be heartbroken, humbled, and inspired by the words Angie writes. While my experience is nothing like hers, I can still share in her sorrow, because I know the heartbreak of losing a child. It is a loss whether you lose a child at 4 weeks along or your child is 40 years old.

Here is a clip of the song that was written in memory of her little girl. To anyone who’s lost a child, I hope it touches you as much as it has touched me.